


the ghost of you

by angstonly, angstroyalty



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Afterlife, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Angst, Character Development, Dark, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Ghosts, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Bullying, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inappropriate Humor, Limbo, M/M, Slow Burn, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:15:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26362495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly, https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstroyalty/pseuds/angstroyalty
Summary: They're all broken here.Even Hyunjin, who laughs so brightly that it easily infects anyone around to hear. Even Seungmin, who smiles so warmly as he shares the knowledge he learns from his readings. Even Jisung, who jokes around and lifts their spirits at any given time. Even Chan, who cares for them like the family that Jeongin never had.Even Felix.Even his sunshine Felix.(or: jeongin cares little for existence beyond death, but when felix wants to join them, he sets his desire for oblivion aside to change felix's mind.)
Relationships: Lee Felix/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17
Collections: Jilix Ficfest





	the ghost of you

**Author's Note:**

> please _please_ heed the tags! by nature, the fic does talk about heavy/triggering themes so please be wary. it will discuss death, unfinished business, etc. some characters are also obviously aged up here.
> 
> PROMPT #18: felix falls for ghost!jeongin  
> to my prompter: i kind of went a little wild with it and it became a lot more than what i initially intended for it to be. i hope that you enjoy this story as much as i enjoyed writing it.
> 
> special thank you to ✨ for being incredibly supportive and for constantly reassuring me that i'm not just word vomiting.

He waits with bated breath, breath he no longer has. An irony not lost on him, of course. He knows his circumstances more than anyone, more than the higher being that decided his fate in this Beyond. Jeongin knows little of what lies ahead, what purpose there is living among the dead. Tenuous memories. Blank spaces and empty faces. Voices feeble and faint, stifled by the powers whom he owes for his newfound existence.

An existence he never asked for.

An existence he does not want.

Still, it is an existence he must embrace—for rejecting his newfound life, if even apt to call it as such, serves only to harm the very boy that still tethers him to the grounds of this earth. Jeongin cares little for himself, for the fate of his soul once it fulfills its reasons, but the same cannot be said of the boy whose warmth transcends his plane of being and into the world Jeongin now calls his home.

Seeing him again is frightening—a reality he now confronts with the cold grasp of his plight. The blood in his veins, as he would imagine of his mortal body, drains at the missing pieces he can't quite make out. He knows something is wrong, yet recognition fails him as he watches from where he cannot be seen.

"Are you not going to greet him?" asks a voice, drifting and echoing around him before the materialization of his slight body. Jeongin still lacks control of this form, of the ways of the supernatural that his peers have mastered long before his arrival. "He's a sweetheart. I've known him for a long time."

Jeongin's body flickers, sun shining through an involuntary translucent form. He sighs, shaking his head as he fixates on his hand. Slowly, he curls his fingers into his palm, watches as the ground peeks through his form. He sees the ground completely for a brief second before his body returns. He looks up at his friend, smiling sadly at him as he sets a hand on Jeongin's shoulder.

"You'll get the hang of it soon," says Hyunjin, smile still as blinding as it was when he was still living. Jeongin used to think pretty people had it easier in the world, but his new friends in the Beyond prove him otherwise. Beautiful people gone too soon, imprisoned among the living with unfulfilled purpose. "You seem smart. You'll probably be able to adjust faster than I did when I first got here."

Jeongin doesn't know how long it has been. Time operates differently here—too slow, too harrowingly slow. Everything moves at half, a fourth of the speed of the living. He stares at Hyunjin, still smiling at him. It's unnerving—Hyunjin is unnerving. Jeongin can't place his finger on why.

"Thanks," he answers with a smile of his own. Hyunjin's smile grows, reaching his eyes. It's warm, deceptively warm. Like he's still alive. Like he still has a beating heart pumping blood through his veins. "Hopefully I do soon. I don't like flickering."

"You could always ask Seungmin to help you," Hyunjin offers, looking over his shoulder towards the house where the rest are greeting their new tenant. Jeongin follows his gaze, frowns at the sight of Felix surrounded by his new family. "You know, he used to tutor Felix a lot back then. Always made sure he did his homework. Felix is kind of our baby around here."

Jeongin licks his lips, swallows down the lump forming in his throat. "That's cute."

"Aw, don't worry, Innie, you're our baby too," Hyunjin coos, ruffling his hair with an affectionate glimmer in his eyes. Jeongin wrinkles his nose and waves Hyunjin's hand away. "I'm going to go bug Lix. Join us later! You'll love him! He's always seen us so he won't be put off by you being dead and all."

"Maybe," whispers Jeongin, watching as Hyunjin disappears and reappears beside Felix. Felix jolts and places a hand on his chest, laughing with Hyunjin as they pull each other in for a hug. Heartwarming.

"Maybe not," he says to himself, willing himself away. He only makes it to the kitchen, and he's exhausted as soon as he arrives. Chan sees him, ready to make a fuss, but Jeongin pleads with him to keep quiet. He presses his palms together, looks at him with a desperation in his eyes that surprises Chan.

Chan nods and Jeongin smiles gratefully as he makes his way up the stairs, thankful that a spectral form allows him the option of soundless footsteps, especially when he's keen on keeping himself hidden from Felix for as long as at all possible. He knows he will have to face him, an unavoidable uncomfortable truth in the circumstances at hand.

Still, he can try. He can do his best to prolong their impending reunion, give them both time until they no longer can.

He sits in his corner, hugs his knees to his chest in the small area of the room where it feels most pleasant. Ironic, he's aware, knowing that true peace is hard to come by on his plane of existence. They are plagued with the unfinished, with the slowly dissipating memories of joyful life.

He thinks back to the conversation he once had with the ghost in the library, a boy named Seungmin who has inhabited this house for nearly a four decades now. He's a bright boy, a friendly spirit more intelligent than anyone he's ever known. Seungmin's death, according to Hyunjin, is an open secret among them—something not explicitly spoken of, yet all of them know regardless. Jeongin chooses not to inquire, instead focusing on the knowledge Seungmin passes onto him about the Beyond. 

Hyunjin likes to poke fun at Seungmin's penchant for education—affectionately calling him Professor Seungmin, especially when he starts going off on tangents about new information he learns from his trips to the local library. With how easily he adapts to the times, you would think he wasn't born around the same time as his parents, especially when his language is already overwhelmingly modern. If Jeongin didn't know any better, he would think he's from this generation.

In the little "intro course" (or so Hyunjin calls it) that he gave Jeongin upon his arrival, Seungmin told him that you lose yourself the longer you haunt the earth, the longer you exist in the Beyond among the living. Unless Jeongin finds that essential something that protects him from the malignancy in their destiny, the periapt to ward off the malevolence that will imminently become them should they choose to stay here, the very item that ties their souls to the earth and allows them to be—his soul totem.

Jeongin sighs as his back hits the wall, searching his thoughts for anything that could aid him in his hunt for his soul totem. He supposes he should ask Seungmin for more information, learn about what it is that makes an item significant enough to be bonded to. He knows that Seungmin's is a book, often by his side no matter where he goes. He once asked if it gets tiring carrying it around with him, belatedly realizing that human fatigue no longer applies to them. Seungmin was kind enough to answer anyway.

He becomes hyperaware of his surroundings at the sound of voices and footsteps. He moves deeper into the closet in a panic, hiding behind the hung coats and sweaters that won't be touched until the leaves change color. The hangers clink against each other much louder than he was expecting, and the voices outside halt as he curses at himself for the noise.

"Who's there?"

Jeongin gulps as he clings onto one of the coats, hoping that whoever he's with will save him from having to face Felix before he's ready. He holds a breath that no longer exists, desperately holding onto the fabric in his hands like some sort of lifeline.

"Our baby likes to stay there," Jeongin recognizes the voice as Chan's and sighs as the relief floods his body. He goes limp and fully lies down on the dirty floor, fixating on the broken lightbulb hanging precariously from the ceiling. He reaches up and screws it on, startled by his own ability when it actually moves and the light goes on. "I'm thinking that's his way of saying hello. He's shy."

Chan is wonderful. Jeongin sighs.

"Oh, well then, hello," greets Felix, tapping against the door. "Maybe you can give me some sort of sign when you're there so I know not to come in? You can leave the light on or something. It can be a night light for me if you're there when I'm about to sleep."

Jeongin smiles and taps against the door as well. He knows he could just say something—he doubts that Felix would remember him after all this time. Last time they saw each other, Jeongin barely even said anything already. Still, he'd rather not risk it. He's not ready.

"That was a yes, right?" Felix chuckles softly, and it brings tears to Jeongin eyes. Fuck. Who would have thought he would feel this strongly after how much time has passed them by. "Whenever you're ready, I'll be right here. I can't wait to get to know you, baby ghost."

He hears Felix's footsteps fade and it sounds like Felix has crawled into bed. He hears the shuffling of covers and a sigh, and Jeongin sighs as well. Chan materializes beside him, a warm smile on his lips as he looks at him. Jeongin reaches for his hand, and Chan squeezes it in kind.

When he thinks about it, the ghosts have been incredibly kind to him. They treat him better than most people from when he were living, offering him something akin to what he would assume to be love. He isn't sure—he's unfamiliar with the concept of affection, of true care. He imagines it to be similar to the way Chan is keeping him company now or the way Hyunjin makes sure he's adjusting well. Perhaps it's also something like how Seungmin patiently answers his questions, or how Seungmin's best friend Jisung always makes him laugh when he's clearly in distress.

He isn't sure if any of these are real examples of what it's like to be cared for, but if they are, Jeongin finds them... nice.

He unknowingly squeezes Chan's hand once more as tears fall from his eyes. He wishes they weren't so kind, weren't so warm and accepting of the damaged soul that he is. He has a mission to fulfill, one that leaves no space for frivolous attachments to other beings. He swallows his feelings down, reminding himself that none of this makes any difference. He must do what he has to do, no matter the guilt that now blooms in his chest.

 _I'm sorry, hyungs,_ he thinks. _Please do not hate me too much._

Jeongin looks over at Chan, who is still smiling and holding his hand. For a brief moment, he wonders if things would have changed had they known each other in life.

It doesn't matter, he reminds himself. None of this matters.

*

He doesn't realize time passing. Not until Jeongin hears Felix's tired voice greeting him when he awakens from his slumber. His footsteps are light as he approaches the closet door, gentle as if afraid to let his presence be known.

"Are you awake?" Felix whispers. "Wait, you guys don't sleep. I'm so sorry for the dumb question. It's been a while since I've been back so I'm only just starting to remember all these things."

Hyunjin mentioned how he had known Felix for some time now, how close the house ghosts are with him. Jeongin thinks back to all their conversations as children, all of Felix's stories about his older friends who take care of him when his family wasn't around. Was he speaking of the ghosts all that time? Had all those anecdotes, all those adventures that Jeongin had always envied been with the ghosts who now welcome him as family?

"Chan hyung says you're shy, but you have your reasons for not speaking to me, don't you? Do you not like people?" Felix asks, cautious in his tone. Something about the way he says doesn't sit right in his belly. "It's okay if that's the case. People are... flawed and ugly. I'm a good example of that."

Jeongin's eyes widen at the shift, the way Felix's voice quiets as he whispers to himself—words Jeongin would never think of Felix, not in life nor death. His lips part, ready to counter him, to tell him he's nothing of the words he uses to describe himself, but someone else beats him to it. Thankfully.

"I heard that!" Jisung's voice is loud as he tackles Felix, the both of them landing on the ground with a thud. "How many times do we have to tell you you're none of that?!"

Felix audibly winces, and Jeongin worries for him from inside the closet. Jisung's tackles aren't to be taken lightly—even a ghost who feels no physical pain feels _something_ every time. Jeongin can only assume the impact it would have on a mortal body like Felix's.

"That hurt!" Felix whines, and Jisung goes straight into apologies and laughter. "See, if I were a ghost too, you could tackle me however much you would like and—actually, please do tackle me as much as you would like to."

"You're not funny." Jeongin doesn't have to see him. He knows Jisung is rolling his eyes. "If Chan hyung heard you—"

"It wouldn't matter," Felix interrupts. "He knows. I don't know why he keeps insisting I'm not meant to be with you guys when it's obvious I am. This side of the universe is too exhausting, and I know I'm supposed to—"

"Lix, you're not," Jisung says sternly. Jeongin shudders at how uncharacteristically monotonous his voice is. "You still have your whole life ahead of you. Why would you want to be stuck in the Beyond? Do you really think that it's easier here?"

"There's nothing for me here. I'm better off—"

Before Felix could continue, Hyunjin appears and drags him away without another word. Jeongin assumes that Hyunjin has covered Felix's mouth with his hand by the muffled yelling. Once the sound completely fades, Jeongin steps outside and sighs.

"That accident really fucked him up," Jisung mutters, eyes filled with concern that Jeongin had only ever seen directed at Seungmin before now. "The darkness is eating at him, poisoning his mind with lies that we're trying so desperately to fight against."

"Accident?" Jeongin frowns, the mere idea of Felix in tragedy sending a bitter taste to his tongue. Felix has always been wonderful, has always been a force of nature that deserves the world. Any misfortune is undeserved, a fate he would gladly take in Felix's place if he were allowed to.

"Yeah, it's—" Jisung begins but cuts himself off. "—not my place. I'd ask Felix about it. Or Chan hyung. I think they'd be willing to tell you if you really want to know more about it."

"Okay." Jeongin doesn't know if he will. The less he knows, the better. The less he knows, the easier it will be to fulfill his task.

"Oh, Seungmin was calling for you, by the way." Jisung snaps his fingers as he remembers. "He said he knows what you're up to, so you should talk to him and get all the information before doing whatever it is you're trying to do."

Of course Seungmin would know. Seungmin knows everything about everyone like some omniscient being. Had he still a beating heart, Jeongin is sure it would be racing right now. His goal is something he wanted to keep hidden from the others, a mission he wanted to carry out quietly on his own. If the others knew, they would attempt to stop him.

"Are you in trouble?" asks Jisung, nudging him in the shoulder. "Min doesn't usually call for anyone unless he thinks we're about to do something stupid—which is pretty stupid in itself, if you ask me. We're already dead; it's not like doing stupid things would kill us _again_. I have my soul totem safe somewhere so I know I won't accidentally destroy it."

"You're very clumsy though," Jeongin points out. "Seungmin hyung has valid concerns. I think you're very likely to accidentally destroy a soul totem."

"I have nothing to say to that. I _have_ almost destroyed Hyunjin's, but that's just as much on him as it was on me! He shouldn't have let me read it! He knows how destructive I get when I'm emotional!"

"Hopeless romantic," Jeongin coughs.

"Try being in love with your best friend for fifty years." Jisung rolls his eyes. "Hopeless doesn't even begin to describe it."

Jeongin decides not to comment and leaves to find Seungmin instead.

Unsurprisingly, he finds Seungmin in the home library with his nose buried in yet another book. It's strange how clear his vision is in this form, like his eyes have suddenly become cameras with zoom lenses that can see far off in the distance. An advantage of living in the Beyond, he supposes, if being rid of his mortal physical limitations isn't exclusive to him (which he doubts).

"Chemistry?" Jeongin sits on the armchair across from Seungmin, who closes the book and smiles at him as he holds it out. It _is_ chemistry. Jeongin cringes at the thought of reading _that_ for fun. "I will never be able to comprehend how your mind works."

Seungmin huffs a laugh as he sets the book down on the coffee table. It's fairly new from what he can tell—the colors are absolutely crisp and it has that new book smell that Jeongin knows Seungmin absolutely adores. He wonders how Seungmin manages to expand his collection of books, especially considering none of them actually have _money_ to spend.

"I don't steal the books, idiot," Seungmin answers for him with a roll of his eyes.

"I wasn't—how do you do that?"

"I'm Seungmin." He shrugs, and Jeongin has learned early on that such is a sufficient explanation for anything that involves Seungmin. He smiles at Jeongin, falling silent as he holds Jeongin's increasingly uncomfortable gaze.

"Okay, so you know," Jeongin says plainly. He knows he has nothing to feel guilty about, but the way Seungmin looks at him makes it seem like he does. "Jisung said you already know."

"I do," Seungmin replies, his smile reaching his eyes. Jeongin thinks Seungmin looks most frightening like this, beaming at him with all of the knowledge in the world in that brain of his. It's like nothing happens without Seungmin knowing about it, and that in itself is already so imposing. "Are you going to tell me about it?"

"I'd rather not," Jeongin admits with a nervous chuckle. What does it matter, anyway? Seungmin already knows without him saying anything. "Will you tell the others?"

"Not if you don't want me to."

"You're not going to stop me?"

Seungmin pauses as he stares at Jeongin. The air feels heavy like this, with just their silence and meaningful shared gazes. It's a conversation without words that Jeongin appreciates, especially when walls are nonexistent in the planes of the Beyond. What is said can be heard if the others so choose, and Jeongin still doesn't know how to say all of these thoughts out loud.

"Will you help me?" is what Jeongin decides to say.

Seungmin laughs softly, crossing one leg over the other as he tilts his head slightly. "Help you? Destroy your soul totem? No, I won't."

"Then why did you want to talk to me if not to stop me?"

"To make you a deal."

"A deal."

Seungmin leans in, his smile slowly disappearing from his lips. He doesn't know if he likes this over the constantly smiling Seungmin that he's gotten to know. "Yes, a deal," he says.

He's glad Seungmin doesn't have a cup of tea with him—he thinks it would add to the tension in the air, especially now that Seungmin looks much too serious for Jeongin's comfort.

"I will help you find your soul totem," he continues. "I will give you all the information you need to determine what it could possibly be. I will aid you in the retrieval if you so need me to. Once we find it, though, I want you to hold onto it for a month before doing anything. Just a month. If you decide to keep going by that time, I will not stop you."

Jeongin presses his lips together as he allows the thought to fully register in his mind. He thinks deeply, wonders whether it would be worth it to hold onto existence for month once he acquires his soul totem.

It's an easy decision as soon as logic flows in—without Seungmin, it would take him much longer to find his soul totem, let alone all on his own. He'd sooner descend into malevolence than find the item, and he'd rather not subject the other souls to the destruction should it ever come to that.

"Deal," he says, reaching a hand out.

Seungmin shakes his hand and says nothing else.

*

He didn't think it possible, but his brain hurts. The wealth of information Seungmin bestows upon him is overwhelming to say the least, and they pick and prod at any memories still obtainable in his mind as an attempt to retrieve clues as to what his soul totem may be. It was a valiant yet futile endeavor, one that ended in Jeongin's frustration and an instruction by Seungmin to take a walk outside to clear his head.

Jeongin doesn't go very far, not when the land they've been occupying is large enough for adventure. From what he knows, it's Felix's grandparents' house, passed onto his older brother upon their demise. They lived life fully and without regrets, passing on into the afterlife as soon as they crossed over. Seungmin and Jisung had known grandma and grandpa Lee during their mortal years, a fact that Hyunjin loves to poke fun at whenever the opportunity arises. Uncles Seungmin and Jisung, he would say, which would give Seungmin reason to speak in archaic language that none of them other than Jisung could understand.

He finds himself meandering in the gardens in the back. He walks the cobblestone path from the back door leading into the greenery where a small pond lies in the middle. He remembers sneaking in as a child, so desirous of any splash of color that the bright fauna casts a spell on him even from far away. The garden always felt like a forest to him when he was younger, and it still feels mystical as he sits by the pond with his thoughts his only companion.

Seungmin possesses an innate prowess in introspection, something Jeongin wishes he could have—especially now when it's something that would make his quest far easier like it did for Seungmin. Jisung said Seungmin had always been high on self-awareness, had always been cognizant of his own self and the way he works as an individual and as an indispensable cog in the social systems in which he belonged.

"Is he some sort of important figure?" Jeongin muses out loud, hugging his knees to his chest with a sigh. "The way Jisung hyung talks about him makes it seem like he's some powerful entity."

"He _is_ a powerful entity." Hyunjin materializes beside him, dipping his feet into the bond. He smiles brightly as he leans against his hands, feet lightly kicking in the water as he hums. "He could wipe us all out if he wanted to, but he's bound to his compulsions and hauntings like the rest of us."

"Does he just haunt libraries?"

"Something like that," Hyunjin says in between chuckles. There's a far off look in Hyunjin's eyes as he speaks, gazing in the distance at something Jeongin can't quite decipher. It almost looks like… longing. "You should ask Seungmin."

"Everyone keeps telling me to ask everyone for stories," Jeongin snorts, following Hyunjin's gaze towards the clear blue skies. It's almost insulting how beautiful it is, how warm and clear and bright it is. "Will anyone ever just tell me things themselves?"

"What would you like to know? If there's anything I can answer, I will." Hyunjin arches an eyebrow at him, skin glowing under the sunlight. He looks human like this, plump lips stretched into a kind smile that reaches his eyes. Jeongin flinches away, grips onto grass that quickly grays in his grasp.

"Soul totem," Jeongin quickly answers. "Tell me about your soul totem. I've been trying to search my mind for anything it could possibly be, but I've been coming up empty. Seungmin hyung suggested I—" Jeongin raises his fingers for air quotes, "— _breathe in_ the fresh air to clear my head, though I don't know how to breathe now that I don't really… need to."

That wistful glimmer returns to Hyunjin's eyes as he laughs. Who would have thought that something so beautiful could sound so sad? It's unfair. All of this is unfair. Why Hyunjin? He should be alive—he is not like Jeongin, who deserves the Beyond more than anyone else in this house.

Hyunjin pulls a piece of paper from his pocket, folded neatly into a heart. It's a faded pink color, speckled with dirt and dried fluids that Jeongin can only assume were once tears and blood. He carefully unfolds it, and Jeongin can see how he's struggling to maintain the smile on his lips. Jeongin doesn't like it—Hyunjin shouldn't be sad like this. Hyunjin is a bright boy, a happy boy! This isn't right.

"It was with me when I died." Hyunjin's voice is quiet as he speaks. Jeongin frowns. This feels so wrong. "I hadn't even read it when I died, to be honest. One of my friends told me it was from a secret admirer, and I placed it in between pages of my journal because I had to run to my next class."

"If you hadn't read it, why was it so important to you? How did you know it would be your soul totem if you didn't even know who it was from or what was written in it?"

Hyunjin laughs sadly, and his body flickers as tears begin to pool in his eyes. Jeongin blinks, disquieted by Hyunjin's emotions. Hyunjin has always been so scintillating and blithe, a funny and mischievous spirit that brings laughter wherever he goes. This isn't right. Hyunjin shouldn't be this sad. This isn't right.

"I knew," Hyunjin whispers, prudently following along the creases in the paper before tucking it back into his pocket. "He said it was from a secret admirer, but I knew it was he who wrote it. There was no one else who possibly could."

"You say that as if you didn't have a plethora of admirers. People still mourn your death, you know?"

"Maybe so," Hyunjin says, wiping away the tears that have rolled down his cheeks, "but there was only one that mattered. Only his words, his confession mattered. I wish I could have told him before I died, to tell him that I loved him just as much as he loved me even though I could never bring myself to say it then. I was so afraid of love and for what? It all seems silly now that I'm dead."

Jeongin watches as he Hyunjin shakes his feelings away, quickly reverting back to the vibrant Hyunjin that he knows.

"Is that what still ties you to this earth?" Jeongin asks cautiously. "Is weeping over love the compulsion the higher beings have bound to you?"

Hyunjin nods slowly, staring at the shades of blue and green that abound around them. "I'm tethered until I tell him how I feel, until I tell him that I've loved him in life and still love him in death. My burden is an eternity of tears, of cursing innocent humans in love with my heartbreak."

"You won't curse Felix, will you?"

"I don't know, Innie," answers Hyunjin with his smile now back on his face. "Who I curse is not up to me—it's decided by the fates. I hope that I will not have to subject Felix to my pain, especially when he has enough of his own. I hope desperately to not have to add to it, but only the higher beings can decide that."

Jeongin falls silent, perturbed by the idea of Felix in pain. Agony is not meant for sunshine like Felix, whose light alone is deserving of all the good the world has to offer. He looks over at Hyunjin, humming as he plays with the water, and Jeongin is struck with a realization he's been obstinately battling to disregard all this time:

They're all broken here.

Even Hyunjin, who laughs so brightly that it easily infects anyone around to hear. Even Seungmin, who smiles so warmly as he shares the knowledge he learns from his readings. Even Jisung, who jokes around and lifts their spirits at any given time. Even Chan, who cares for them like the family that Jeongin never had.

Even Felix.

Even his sunshine Felix.

*

He doesn't move at all in the time since Hyunjin left him earlier that day. Jisung finds him rooted in the same spot, impassive as he gazes out in the far off distance where the blues dissolve into beautiful reds and oranges. Time truly is peculiar in the Beyond, arbitrary at best. Jeongin isn't sure how to feel about it, especially when everything is both so fast and so agonizingly slow.

"We're having dinner," says Jisung, taking the space previously occupied by Hyunjin. "Are you coming?"

Jeongin says nothing. The revelations weigh heavily in his mind, a truth that now slowly seeps into the realities of his being. It's not like it's an entirely foreign idea, not really. It's more of a truth that Jeongin has been wanting to evade for as long as at all possible. In retrospect, he should have known that forced ignorance wouldn't do him any good. He should have kept to himself the moment he entered the Beyond.

"Innie? Are you okay?"

Jeongin blinks, only then does it register that he is no longer alone. Jisung has held his hand out to rest on his shoulder, tender smile on his lips. Jeongin looks back at him with a sad smile, budding regret slowly building and blooming where his heart used to beat. It's always different when it's Jisung—playful and arch Jisung who never fails to shine a light in any sort of darkness.

When it's Jisung, Jeongin feels worse about his fate. When it's sweet and kind Jisung, part of Jeongin cries out in uncertainty, tugs at the feelings of hope he's shoved aside in favor of an obdurate devotion to the abyss that's haunted his dreams ever since he was old enough to know not to yearn. He hates it when it's Jisung.

"Hyung, I'm sorry," Jeongin blurts out, earnest eyes gazing into Jisung's startled own. Jisung's eyebrows furrow, all the questions drawn in the specks of colors in his eyes. He's confused, Jeongin can tell, but he says nothing. Instead, his lips stretch into another smile and Jeongin hates it. He hates it more than anything when it's Jisung.

"I know I'm not making any sense," Jeongin continues. "I just—I'm sorry. You'll understand when the time comes, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"You're about to do something, aren't you? Does it have to do with what Seungmin wanted to talk to you about?"

Jeongin nods quietly.

"You're trying to leave." It's not a question. Jisung knows.

Jeongin chews on his bottom lip. Leave. In the simplest words, yes. He _is_ trying to leave. It's written on his face, he supposes, because Jisung nods as their eyes meet. For a moment, he muses on telling Jisung the truth. Seungmin knows everything—it's impossible to keep anything from him. But Jisung…

It doesn't feel right, and Jeongin hates it.

His resolve cracks as Jisung pulls him into his arms. This isn't right. This can't change anything. This _shouldn't_ change anything. No matter what happens, he has to fulfill his fate. He has to.

This is his only chance to achieve what he's been dreaming of for so long, and he can't let anything pull him away from the path he's long since decided to walk.

"We don't have to talk about it," Jisung offers, allowing his back to fall on the grass with a sigh. "I'll skip their cute little family dinner and keep you company here. If you're leaving us soon, I want to spend as much time with you as possible."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?" Jisung tugs him along, and Jeongin makes no effort to break away. "I deeply care for you, Innie. You're important to me. You're important to everyone here."

"You don't even know me…"

Jisung smiles warmly, all the affection in the world held in his eyes as he regards Jeongin with a glimmer that Jeongin doesn't understand. He looks at him so softly, so tenderly, like Jisung actually cares.

"Innie, do you know why Seungmin knows everything?"

"Because he's Kim Seungmin?"

Jisung laughs. "I mean, yes, but that's not all there is to it. He doesn't like to show it, but he cares about every single soul we come across very deeply. It's been forty years for us, so you can imagine how many souls have come and gone in our time here, and Seungmin wants to help everyone fulfill their Unfinished. He doesn't think we'll be able to fulfill ours, so he has taken it upon himself to aid others in their journeys."

Jeongin's eyebrows furrow as he watches the pensive flicker in Jisung's eyes. He stares up at the sky and Jeongin shifts to mirror the way Jisung lies. The warmth has changed into purples and blues, stars coruscating against the midnight hues. There is charm in bright summer skies, but Jeongin has always favored the night.

"Why doesn't he pursue his own?" It's an austere question Jeongin is wary to ask, but he asks anyway. All emotion drains for Jisung's face, replaced by an impassiveness Jeongin rarely ever sees from him. "Why busy himself with the Unfinished of others? Why not—"

Jisung's silence tells him everything that he needs to know, confirmed only by the sad smile that spreads across his face.

"No," Jeongin whispers. "No… Why not? Why wouldn't he—"

"It's because of me," Jisung says quietly, sitting up and hugging his knees to his chest. Jeongin follows suit, watching the way Jisung's eyes water, the way he plays with the grass and chews on his bottom lip. "Seungmin is my Unfinished."

*

Yelling. So much yelling. Jeongin hugs his knees and rocks himself back and forth, hums a song in the darkness of the closet to drown out the noise. He cycles between his favorite trot songs until he decides on a heavy rotation of Joo Hyunmi's greatest hits, singing and singing and singing with his eyes shut as tightly as possible.

He shrinks into himself, forces himself to retreat into the place in his head that others would call a happy place. He pictures the water, the crash of waves against the shore, the hum of boats in the distance. He pictures the sun at its highest point in the sky, rays kissing summer-soaked skin lying on white sandy beaches, the breathtaking blues of both sea and sky.

He thinks back to that one summer when he first met Felix, when a beaten and bruised boy met sunshine and color for the first time. Felix didn't ask, made no mention of the dulled hues that adorned Jeongin's skin. They were too dark not to notice, too imposing to be ignored. Yet nine-year old Felix said nothing.

And Jeongin could not have been more grateful.

 _I'm sorry for trespassing_ , Jeongin said. _I know I'm not supposed to be here._

Felix smiled at him, holding a finger up to his lips. _It'll be our secret_.

Like that, Jeongin found himself an escape, an ephemeral liberation from the demons of his existence.

Jeongin opens his eyes and the darkness greets his vision. The room is finally quiet, and all he can hear is the thump of Felix's footsteps in his bedroom. He hears Felix muttering to himself, pacing back and forth until he halts right outside the closet.

"I'm sorry for the noise," Felix says. His voice is soft, but loud enough to tell Jeongin that he's right there, so close. "I just—every time my brother calls, we end up getting into these ugly screaming matches. I mean, you heard us. Or did you go away or something to avoid it? Either way, it's just—I don't know. I don't know. After the—the accident really changed things for us."

Jeongin scoots until his back hits the wall, arms wrapped around his legs as his head rests on the dilapidated wallpaper. He can feel Felix's presence, knows that the wall is the only thing separating them. He hears Felix sniffle, hears the way his breathing goes heavy, and he struggles against the urge to reveal himself.

"I was in an accident a year ago," Felix says softly. "Minho hyung—my brother—and I were here for a late celebration of Chan hyung's birthday. It was all my fault, you know? If I didn't—if I just listened to Chan hyung and Minho hyung that night, we wouldn't have—Chan hyung wouldn't have—"

Felix doesn't finish his sentence, but he doesn't have to. Jeongin feels his heart breaking at the sound of Felix's sobs. Why does sunshine weep? Why does sunshine feel this much pain? Jeongin doesn't like this, not one bit. He wishes he could take Felix's pain away, ease his burdens and shoulder them himself if he could. Jeongin isn't sure why he feels so strongly about Felix, especially seeing him in this much distress, but he figures it won't do him much good to explore those parts of his mind.

Felix sobs, and Jeongin wonders for a moment if he should come out and do something. Is there anything he _can_ do for Felix?

Suddenly, a flash of light. Jeongin gasps as his head throbs in pain, vision pitch black until everything dissolves into color. A puzzle piece clicks into place in his memories. He sees the garden and the pond and young Jeongin and Felix, sitting on the grass with their feet dipped in water. Jeongin is sobbing into his bruised hands with Felix beside him, singing a song he didn't recognize at the time.

The memory fills a gap and when he comes to, he knows what he has to do.

Jeongin swallows down the nerves in his throat, feeling faint at the recovered memory, but he powers through.

He sings.

Felix's cries quiet until Jeongin's voice is the only sound in the room. It's the same song Felix sang for him back then, a song that Jeongin has found comfort in from that day on. They rarely spoke in the times they spent together, Felix leading conversation to distract Jeongin from the aches all over his small body.

_With a heart without hatred  
When you can love unconditionally  
One million flowers will bloom  
Then I can return to my beautiful star_

Felix sings along with him quietly, a soft duet between two sad souls one wall apart. In a brave moment, Jeongin pushes the door open ever so slightly, just a small crack that allows light into the darkness of the closet. He keeps himself hidden, stretches out only enough to place his hand atop Felix's.

And that is enough.

Their song continues until Felix's tears have stopped and the silence greets them once again. Jeongin takes his hand back, ignoring the weight he feels on his chest and how much his hand burns where it touched Felix's skin.

"Thank you," Felix tells him. "This song is actually very important to me. It reminds me of someone I knew some time ago."

 _Oh_.

"We met when we were very young. I was nine," Felix continues. Is Jeongin hallucinating? Does he hear a shift in Felix's tone? It almost sounds… bright. Like he's smiling and fond. "He was a peculiar friend. We rarely ever spoke, just spent time together by the pond downstairs. I don't know how he snuck into the grounds, but I've always been grateful that he did. Every moment I spent with that friend was wonderful. He always looked sad, but I don't know. His eyes bore tragedies, yet his smile held all the love in the world."

Jeongin freezes, feels his chest constrict as his fingers curl into his palms. Tears spring to his eyes, and it takes everything inside of him not to break down as the words register in his head.

"Sorry," Felix chuckles. "I think about that friend a lot. I never got his name. I used to always just call him little fox because he looked like one. I never got his number or where he lived either. I wish I did because I've always wanted to ask him how he's been. I don't know, though. I'm not who I was when last I saw him anymore. I don't think I want him to see me like this. I don't want him to see me broken."

"You're beautiful," Jeongin blurts out. He curses himself as his hands fly to his mouth. _Fuck_.

Silence. Absolute silence. Then:

"Little fox… It's you, isn't it?"

It's too late now. Jeongin sighs as he fully opens the door. He braves a step forward, and with a shy smile says, "Hey sunshine. It's been a while, huh?"

**Author's Note:**

> — [twitter](https://twitter.com/minbinjins)  
> — [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/minbinjins)


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